When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.