I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
You Might Also Like
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Spider-cat: No One Home
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.