SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

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Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.



[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*


Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.


*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin


If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.


Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.


Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.


I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”


It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.


-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.