SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I need better friends
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.