In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
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Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The internet is full of many things
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*