“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
You Might Also Like
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
The biggest mystery of our time
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I think this should do it.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!