me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
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Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.