Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
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One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?