Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Bed should get ready for ME
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.