I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
life finds a way
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.