Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
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Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.