“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
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It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”