It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people