I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
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Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”