#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
#CatsOnTwitter
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Risking my life for fun.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)