A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
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I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks