My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
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can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
ME (calling my horse with no name):
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Lmbo
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend