Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You Might Also Like
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED