bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
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I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.