Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
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Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl