Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”