Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
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Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.