Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here