angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord