Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
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Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.