When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.