It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
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I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.