It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
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[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.