Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
This is me 🤣🤣
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Maths meets science
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Hit me in the face with a bird
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it