Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
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[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
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