In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Breaking news:
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.