Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
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There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Ha
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
23. the denim jacket
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.