Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
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I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”