Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
You Might Also Like
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.