*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle