*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.