My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
idk what he going thru but i feel him
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.