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[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number