My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
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It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I’m about to risk it all
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no