My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”