Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Ugh
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.