I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
plant them where lol
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.