WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
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*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.