Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Can’t stop laughing
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.