My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
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Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!