Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
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The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.