ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
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What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
So we got a goldfish…
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*