My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.