Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
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I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *