if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
You Might Also Like
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.