My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Me checking my bank balance online.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.