uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
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Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
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She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
This could be us… but you playing
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WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.