Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
You Might Also Like
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
The internet is magic sometimes.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
December birthdays be like…