A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
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Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.